funny quotes (page 8)

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note to self: make sure cat is not sleeping in the bass drum before you start playing it
If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.
Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from generation to generation? Mom: Yes? Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
We totally deny the allegations, and we're trying to identify the allegators.
You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
How to get out of a speeding ticket: Always carry a cooler with a big red cross on it - 'Officer, I MUST get to the hospital'
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him go off the high dive.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. -- Dave Barry
Lucas: "Powerful are my lawyers. If smart you are, mess around you will not with my trademarks."
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular momentum.
On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
No shoes, No shirt, No service.. So do I have to wear pants?
Some day my ship will come in, and with my luck I'll be at the airport.
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
"The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
Some guy knocked on my apartment door this morning and said he was from pest control, so I handed him my cat and went back to sleep.
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top quotes
Below we have the top quotes as they were voted on by the visitors of
  1. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
  2. The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
  3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  4. House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
  5. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
  6. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
  7. It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.


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