funny quotes (page 2)

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When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.
I got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
Why do nerds confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT31=DEC25
"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients', but the another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian!'"
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
The "bishop" came to my church today.. that guy was an imposter, he never once moved diagonally
There is a time and a place for everything, and it's called college.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Go into a store's fitting room and announce loudly "there's no toilet paper in here!"
Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
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top quotes
Below we have the top quotes as they were voted on by the visitors of
  1. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
  2. The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
  3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  4. House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
  5. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
  6. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
  7. It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.


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