Witty Quotes Haven: Funny Quotes

Voting -- If you really love a quote, click on its number to vote for it.
41.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
42.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
43.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
44.
Are you part of the majority? If you say yes, then you are of the minority.
45.
What the hell do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
46.
Dictionary: the only place marrage comes before sex anymore
47.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
48.
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
49.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
50.
We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp object sticking out of his chest
51.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
52.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
53.
"Would anybody tell me if I was gettin'..... stupider?" --George W. Bush
54.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
55.
Recursive: adj. see Recursive
56.
This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.
57.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
58.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
59.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
60.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.